im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
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