Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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