She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
Randomize
