I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
