I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
