All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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