I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
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