you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
