If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
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