I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
bring money and cleavage
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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