did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
