I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Randomize
