saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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