it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
