she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Randomize
