there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
