Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize
