if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
