I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
