Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
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