i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
