dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I die, sorry about rent.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
