I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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