you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
