I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Randomize
