So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
