do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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