Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
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