I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I'm really busy with my period
Randomize
