Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
