this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
