Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
