Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
