i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
You proposed a left ass cheek firmness contest and got a surprising number of contestants. Then you ruined it by groping someone who wasn't playing and awarding them first place.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
