Me too!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
