Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I met the friendliest cop last night
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
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