btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Randomize
