R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm both gender and math confused
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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