I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
