If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
