Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
