You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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