You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
how drunk are you?
Several
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
