i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
