I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
