I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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