sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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