3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
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She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
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We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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