you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
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