I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
I want to walk on stilts...naked
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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