I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
