Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
