my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
