Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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