I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
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