There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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