It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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