I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
