hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
